4/27/16

Liar . . .

You know who's a liar? A stone-cold, to your face, can't be trusted, smile while stabbing you in the back, selfish, caring only for itself LIAR?

Graham Cracker Crust.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah . . . Cheesecake and Key Lime Pie and icebox/pudding pie, and S'mores torte. Blah, blah, blah. That overly sensitive, fragile, and delicate dust never did a single thing to be celebrated.

Let me ask you this . . . would you order a graham cracker crust from Amazon? Nope. Of COURSE not. You'd order a television. You'd order a chair in which to strap your child riding in the car. You'd have the site send you bottles of Coca-Cola and other sweet confections but not your belllllovvvvveeed graham cracker crust. Why? You have enough common sense in your want-to-believe-the-best-in-dessert-bases head to not risk the money - to not waste the money.

The actual worst part? People will lie on behalf of this sweet diva. They'll say "I don't have any issues with my crust. It never breaks. I know the secret to a dependable and solid crust that you can dig a fork in to with reckless abandon." Don't trust these people. They are the "No, no - I don't like Hall and Oates in an ironic way." of the pastry world. They can't - they SHALLN'T (or SHAN'T if you're a more comfortable) be trusted.

If those magical elves at Keebler can't make it work . . . your aunt (by marriage, not even blood - pft) can't make it work. Don't listen to her. Don't listen to them. They will sell you all the fantastic lies the world ever offered . . . like unicorns. Lies like rainbows. Liars. LIE-URS.

I can hear you now . . .  "The world needs delicate things to be respected and to cherish to remind us of the finer, stronger things in life." You'll feel the pressure of those who pretend/imply you are selling yourself short (like when they assure you a $38/bottle wine is "better" than a $14/box wine). The peer pressure, like so much bad beer and sticks and seeds pot when you were a teenager, is not love. They are not your friends. They will look you in the eye and smile as you mutually enjoy a slice of something. That's part of their game. But they aren't putting you in their will. They won't let you come over and use their pool when they are out of town. They, like the crust you built your after after dinner dreams on, can't be trusted.

Don't believe the hype. Don't play in to it. Stand your ground, dear reader. KNOW the truth. KNOW that graham cracker crust is a dessert you simply can't trust. Put the fork down. Go find you a nice puff pastry, or a floury-buttery bastard Grandma used to make. Make your berries, dairy, whipped peanut butter, and other fillings feel properly supported - properly LOVED - in something that can take the "rigors" of a pie slicer or spoon. On something strong. Something reliable. Something real.

Life is short, people. Don't let liars fill your precious time or calorie counters. Let a pie crust fool you once, shame on the crust. Let a pie crust fool you twice, shame on that white shirt you just dribbled on.