4/1/16

Kids . . .


The twenty most important reasons to have children (in no particular order):

  1. You'll never again approach the question "Why?" casually.
  2. Because keeping shoes in pairs is way overrated and searching for the "left" one when you're already five minutes late is way underrated.
  3. There is NOTHING better than the first time your darling says the word "f*ck" with such force and power that it becomes polysyllabic.
  4. You will feel "old" in the best possible ways . . . "Wait, you were ALIVE in the 1900s?"
  5. The way you learned math is no longer "the" way to learn math so you don't have to feel bad about never "learning" math to begin with.
  6. Suddenly you get why your parents would always dump you off at the birthday party and run back to the car - returning at precisely the time given by the host parents.
  7. School music programs give you appreciation for actual music.
  8. You get to read this book - knowing it is going to be a real help to you in a real talk in the near future.
  9. Irrational fear of spiders, the dark, Republican Presidents, and more spiders are all things you have to treat with actual sincerity.
  10. You've created a captive audience that you can "introduce" to your musical heroes Paul, George, Mick, Bryan, Jay-Z, Alanis, Mozart, and Missy Elliott.
  11. There will come a day when they will read to YOU. And you'll cry. And they won't understand.
  12. Learning to bite your tongue on a whole host of subjects from the best flavor of jam to why their mother is not perfect sorta becomes your "thing".
  13. Arguing for no apparent reason becomes something you regret initiating but really regret responding to.
  14. You can now blame someone else for your incessant "lateness" . . . even when the kid is with her mother for the weekend - and you're on a business trip anyway.
  15. WHY run out for ice cream on a Tuesday night? The kid wants it. ONLY the kid. You're just the designated dairy driver.
  16. Doodling, arts, crafts, puzzles, building blocks, comic books, toys, and juice pouches. 
  17. The realization that two minutes really, truly IS forever . . . and you get to endure it twice a day while the kid pretends to brush their teeth, all the while they are just swallowing their toothpaste anyway.
  18. Pop music is dreadful, infectious, and forever.
  19. Teaching important life lessons - like "snooze button" strategy and morning schedule shortcuts.
  20. You'll officially never get out of student debt. And that is okay. Because education is everything.