4/5/16

Hold Your Water . . .

There are probably a million reasons why you should't resist the urge to pee. The lead of which is uromysitisis. They degrade, quickly, from there. But I'll allow - technically - that there are times and reasons.

You know when you have a million reasons to NOT get up and pee, adults? At a BOOK READING.

Let me clarify - Debash and I went to hear the great Augusten Burroughs talk about his latest memoir "Lust and Wonder". I could not have been more excited. She and I don't exactly have the same taste in books. I read sarcastic fiction from funny know-it-alls. She reads tomes that truly make the world a better place. But - on this guy - we totally agree.

So we go and we're there and there is a wait for him (not that he was being prima donna-ish but because that is the nature of these things) so there was a bar (which I will say felt a little odd - to fill the audience for a guy who writes openly about his alcohol addiction and sobriety with bottles of beer and mixed drinks - but what do I know?) and people were drinking. And that is fine. 5 PM somewhere (including at Abode) and all that. But here's where I get annoyed . . . people kept getting up and going to the bathroom.

Here's a guy who flew in to Wichita and he's read five minutes of his book and he's talking, very candidly, about suicide and addiction and familial strain and changing your life, etc. and people are just traipsing to-and-from the bathroom. And I'm not pretending like they were slinking off in a dark room they were up and strutting - high heels on concrete floors, the whole thing.

And then . . . and THEN . . . they were hot stepping BACK to their chairs. Forget the cluster of empty chairs in the back of the room. Nevermind the basic thought of just being polite. How about we start with the root of the problem - who are these adults that can't sit for 70 full minutes without peeing? I mean - no judgement if there is an overlap between Burroughs fans and urinary incontinence sufferers (which is a serious problem not to be made light of) - but what are the odds here?

Let's just be blunt . . . you wanna whoop it up in the 5 PM hour before a 6 PM event and drink a few . . . goodonya. Go drain the main vein at 5:55 PM. Not quite ready? Presume you're going to be released to relieve yourself at 7:15 at the absolute latest and then be thrilled when you get the go at 7:10 PM. And if you can't pull that amazing feat of self-control off at least - at LEAST - do the right thing and sit down in the back of the room. He'll still be able to see you and call on you for your overly pretentious, self-indulgent inquiry. Promise.