5/22/15

Garage Sale . . .

There are a handful of things in the world that excite me . . . even fewer if you remove adolescent terms for human mammaries (note that is adolescent TERMS for ADULT mammaries) . . . more than garage sales.

I'm not even kidding. I truly LOVE garage sales. Okay, fine, not ALL garage sales. Maybe only some . . . They have to happen between mid-March and mid-June or mid-September and mid-November. That way the weather is not too hot/cold (you'll find even the hosts of these things don't take them as seriously when the weather is less than idyllic). They have to be at least two-family garage sales. You get more inventory and you can run "game" on the hosts by bidding down the pricing on items while negotiating with the host that isn't the one parting with Sweet Aunt Lydia's crap. They also have to be in middle class neighborhoods. Too rich . . . they miss the point of a garage sale (I want at least ONE thing on the table with a fast food chain logo on it). Too poor . . . they miss the point of a garage sale (stop trying to sell me food with fast food chain logos on the packaging). Then, of course, you have to hit the sweet spot where the hosts haven't had a sale in at least a year-ish but they also haven't gone more than a few years without a sale (feast or famine, folks). Last thing . . . they have to be a Friday/Saturday sale. I don't like the Thursday/Friday/Saturday sales. I'm not taking the day off from work to sift through your stuff.

But if I can get all those things together in a Super Saturday Sale Setting (that's alliteration, suhn) I'm in. I dig it. I dig it the MOST. And I'm digging on and for (that is figurative literalism, suhn) the following items - somewhat exclusively:
  1. Paintings. The stuff your depressed wife did. The thing you did in college when you went through your "weed" phase. The painting that was really en vogue in the late 80s and has hung on your living room wall since. There is beauty in the ugly. 
  2. Glass Art. Vases, paperweights, ships in bottles, glass-bottomed lamps, stained glass panels or lamps, Grimace glasses from McDonald's.
  3. Books. I'm obsessed with books in general but if you tell me that they are suddenly $0.25 or $0.50/book I'm even more obsessed. Jane Fonda's autobiography? Sure. An un-authorized biography about Jane Fonda? That, too. A signed copy of Newt Gingrich's third book? I'll take it. A coffee table book (complete with coffee rings on the dust jacket) of Elton John's clothing auction from the late-90s? Yep. Give me all the books.
  4. Video Game Systems. I've never really played them (other than a serious passion for all-things Mario for my entire life, NBA Jam in the mid-90s, and Tiger Wood's Golf in the early 00s) and I never really will but I'll still thumb through the consoles, games, etc. that people have amassed over the years. Fascinating how quickly those things depreciate. 
  5. Things That I Presume MUST Be Valuable. Admit it - for the same reason that we buy scratch tickets - we are really just hoping to find an actual Monet amidst the crap your wife painted. So, yeah, paintings and china and baseball cards and all that crap. I'll just look and look and look - all the while having NO idea what I'm really even looking at.
  6. Musical Instruments. I can play many instruments (not well but I play them) and I'm always wrestling with my urges to buy your old trumpet or snare drum. And, seriously, if you ever see a bassoon or xylophone at ANY price - call me IMMEDIATELY. I'm in. 
  7. Collectibles. Marbles, pool balls, post cards, coffee mugs with NPR-affiliate logos, and LEGO blocks. Yep. I'll take all them and more. Not sure what I'm going to do with them but I'm going to buy them through you.