4/3/15

10 LEAST Favorite Songs of All Time . . .

So . . . yesterday I posted my five favorite holiday songs of all time and I took a little heat for that. Apparently no one can believe I actually enjoy anything in this world - much less holiday music. So, to confirm your suspicions I present, here, my ten least-favorite songs of all time.

A few clarifications/criteria. I tried to cover a good swath of the musical world (I dislike thousands of songs so I didn't want to get stuck on any one genre or era or whatever). I skipped over several genres of music - country, heavy metal, electronica/dubstep, Tejano, etc. If I don't even like the genre, I can't pick on any one part of its canon. I did not bother to go back and attack TOO MANY one hit wonders or big, mega hits. That's not fair. Certainly a lot of songs (Hammer's "Too Legit to Quit") just do not age well but that doesn't mean we can pretend we never liked them. Yes. I do attack some big, major "hits" . . . because they sucked then and they SUCK now.

"Over and Over" by Nelly and Tim McGraw

Lemme get this straight? Someone walked up to Tim McGraw - the man behind "Don't Take the Girl" (a song that has made me cry every time I've listened to it for 21 straight years) and said "There is a dude famous for a Band-Aid on his cheek who wants to do a duet." and he said "Yep. Sure. Let's raise my street cred with the rapper." Dreadful.



"Chevy Van" by Sammy Johns

If there is any rape-ier song out there (other than that dreadful "Blurred Lines" crap that is straight up about raping a woman and being okay with that), I don't want to know it. The minute you tell me you're taking a girl for a ride in your van - I'm calling in an Amber Alert. Seriously. Absolute crap. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute crap.



"Little Lies" by Fleetwood Mac

Know what I love about Fleetwood Mac? NOTHING. Know what I like about this song? EVEN LESS. I get that the members of the group are (were - let's be more clear) pretty talented and they did their thing but do you think they even enjoy this song? I picture them lunging for the radio dial when it comes on in the car. Seriously.



"Let's Get It Started" by Black Eyed Peas

Oh. I see . . . a woman in her mid-40s wants to pretend she's in her early 20s and there are a variety of other dudes that just sort of moan and grunt over the beat? This song was HUGE. It was in everything. It was much, much loved. It probably made all two to 19 members (I can never figure it out - mainly because the group has had a rotating cast of members over the years - not because all black people and American Indians look alike). If you like this song - shame on you. Seriously.



"Here We Are" by Gloria Estefan 

Where was the Miami Sound Machine when this woman NEEDED them? Because someone should have stepped in and refused to allow this to happen. Has anyone ever said "This song really reminds me of my relationship, my life, and how I feel about my status in both?" If so - come see me - you need a hug. And/or a ride in Sammy Johns' shady van.



"She Bangs" by Ricky Martin

Know when this song lost me? When he chirped - "Changing signs like a Gemini." That is just BAD lyrics. The "sign" of a Gemini doesn't change, the personality does. Hack crap, Ricky. HACK crap.



"All I Want to Do Is Make Love to You" by Heart

HAND. TO. G-D. The 13 year old version of me (or whatever age I was when I got this party started) heard this song and immediately said "Oh, man. This poor guy. He is just being misused by this woman and he might really love her and want to have and raise a child with her." I've hated the song ever since.



"Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana

Presented without content because this one is so beloved by an entire generation (if not multiple) that I can never explain it or get through the critique without being accused of un-Americanism. Long story avoided . . . it is whiny, it is detached and too inside itself, it is not great.



"This Used to be My Playground" by Madonna

I feel like Madonna's whole career has really been her trying to get up the nerve to publicly stating she was abused as a child. No song before or after makes me feel this more strongly (despite dozens, for me, being proof points). Child abuse is horrible. So is this song. And most of her others.



"You're Having my Baby" by Paul Anka and Odia Coates

If Paul Anka was here right now . . . alllllllllllllllllll these years later . . . I would kick him in the nuts and pray that he couldn't father a child OR make a song with Odia Coates (or the voice she represents). Does making a baby with someone really equate to a token of love? What ever happened to good, old-fashioned boudoir photography and a tugger on the drive home? That is a weird, weird love affair.



"Crazy In Love" by Beyonce

I can't. I just, simply can't.