3/6/15

Our Obsession with Average . . .

The world of Irrelevant Fixation was abuzz earlier this week as researchers announced what is widely believed to be the DEFINITIVE figures around something that humanity has obsessed over for at least thirty-five years . . . average penis size.

Yes, yes, yes. That's right. We now know exactly how long and, um, inches around a "man" should be.

Curious? Of course you are . . . 5.16" long and 4.6" around when thinking happy, happy thoughts. These numbers are based on over 15,000 men around the world who allowed their fun sticks to be measured at attention and at ease.

You know the WORST part? I'll bet a good chunk of folks read those numbers and/or the article linked above and breathed a sigh of relief because, well, they found out that they - or the fellas they lay with are at or above average. But WHY do we care?

I can honestly tell you that I have NO idea how Sean Junior would measure up against the 15,000 men who participated in the study or the 3.55 billion-ish other men who walk among us and I can honestly tell you I do not care.

I mean I CARE. I think all men are at least a wee (pun intended) concerned that they are "small" or "inadequate" when it comes to their Happy Makers. And WHY? Because "they" tell us we should be. Who is "they"? The porn we were raised watching, the mocking comments and sneers of our peers and would-be conquests, the old, wrinkly bastards in the YMCA bathroom that just let it alllllll hang out, the "one size fits all" condoms we use (when/where our religious, ethical, and moral values allow us).

It is such a weird thing for us to get hung up on though, really. Unlike our weight (we could gain or lose weight - generally speaking) or our thinning hair (they make expensive and largely-ineffective chemicals or sell expensive and largely-unconvincing wigs and toupees) or our eye color (contacts) or income (ehhhh) or a myriad of other things we can control we cannot - realistically - control the size of our members. CERTAINLY losing weight could help with visual presentation (if you pull the tractor out from under the barn it shines in the sun - I've heard (yes, I've actually had someone say that to me). Another fun fact - size has nothing to do with potency by way of reproduction or even output (we were raised on porn, ladies - we are pretty convinced this is important). Final fun fact - A button I read in Spencer's Gifts reads "It is not the size of the boat it is the motion of the ocean." That must be try - Spencer said so!

So WHY do we care? Why does it matter how long a penis is? From a clothing perspective, smaller is easier to smuggle in those leather pants we all want to wear. From a real, clinical, and reproductive angle we might certainly be more likely to reproduce if we can start our, um, fertilization efforts closer to the starting line of the egg our little swimmers chase but - well - we know that a million other factors come in to play inside the womb that negate many of the presumptions of what another 1/8" (or even 16/8") might mean. Sexually most receivers of the Purple-Headed Yogurt Thrower (I am running out of "charming" euphemisms) will tell you that less is typically, let's say, easier to deal with and/or, well, accommodate. The average woman, according to statistics, will tell you that no more than two or maybe three inches is needed to get them, let's say, "off" (for the few that can even "finish" internally).

So if not for form, not for function, and not for fashion WHY do we feel like we want or need to be average - or bigger - than average when research like this comes down?

Simple Theory #1: Manifest Destiny. Carpe Diem. Ad Astra Per Aspera. Vini Vidi Vici. Whatever. It is some stupid urge or desire to be at least as good as, if not better, than the next guy. The same reason that we want to see our exes end out with men fatter, balder, dumber, less-employed, poorer, or at least less hung than us.

Well . . . I say "we" but I really mean those among us who give a damn. I don't care about any of that stuff. Other than Manifest Destiny. What a complicated and powerful legacy that left. Amirite?