3/30/15

Modern Day Plagues . . .

Several months ago I went and saw "Exodus: Gods and Kings". I rather enjoyed it in terms of size, scope, and spectacle (I had a few issues with the liberties taken in compressing and then dramatizing the story). 

The part of the movie that most unnerved me is that watching the film was the first time that the ten plagues (the Israelite G-d's attempts to humble the Pharaoh and convince him to let the Israelites go) seemed "real" to me. I mean - sure, sure . . . I saw "The Prince of Egypt" so I've seen them animated and set to happy show tunes (featuring Mariah Carey AND Whitney Houston) but this was very, very real. And horrifying. The idea of having stenches in the air, bugs all over me, sores all over my well-hydrated skin, etc. etc. etc. Just too much. 

Yet here we are, a few days ahead of Pesach and I have to wonder if these messages and challenges from high would still even get people's attention (sure, the cicadas awaking from slumber get lots of media headlines but are they scary?). Think about blood in the water - we've got bottled crap everywhere. Frogs? Bah. I'll work from home. Gnats. Gnat scary. Flies? We have those - alllll over. Livestock - Boca for the win. Boils? Okay . . . those are still a thing but I'm sure someone will come up with a cover up that is passable. Hail? I live in Kansas. Try harder, Omnipotent one. Locusts . . . see cicada dismissal above. Darkness? I seriously hate the sun. HATE the sun. Firstborn? Okay . . . that one is still very real and very terrifying. But - 1:10? These are not timely threats in the year 2015.

So here, for your consideration (you, the reader - I would never be so bold or blasphemous as to give ideas to my G-d) are ten things that would probably be equally horrifying to us (middle class Americans) in the year 2015.
  1. Facebook Outage. Don't laugh. I've seen people actually freak out on Twitter (and vice versa) when the social media platform is down.
  2. Lack of WiFi. Terrifying, isn't it? Just being tethered at all times - where you can even find a port to plug in to? Absolute chills.
  3. The Kardashians Disappear. Sure, sure. We all "hate" them and we never pay attention to them but - as soon as you read that a ton of first names that started with K flooded in to your brain and if we really didn't "like" them . . . they would not be, as a family, on their way to being billionaires making money in different industries and ways. They are actually becoming true "entrepreneurs". Horrifying. 
  4. You Had to Answer Your Ringing Phone. Everytime. Every. Time. And we'll take away your caller ID to keep it interesting. Are you freaking out yet? Ready to let (G-d's) people go?
  5. Nicolas Cage. He's going to call you, hourly. And be in every movie moving forward. Worst part? No more National Treasure sequels (one of his few roles that I truly enjoy).
  6. Pets. We're taking them allllllll away. Even your chinchillas and hermit crabs. There are six billion people in the world - find and bond with one of them. Just try. Seriously. 
  7. Buh-Bye, Fast Food. All food served in wrappers, paper or plastic bags, and/or handed through a window in the side of a building will just disappear. We'll have to actually cook all of our own meals. Then eat them as families. Without Facebook or WiFi to distract us. 
  8. Jeans. Only ONE style of denim will be available "parent ("mom" or "dad") cut". With pleats. 
  9. Freedoms and Rights. We'll have to take an actual course, taught by actual experts, on our "rights" and "freedoms" and "privileges" and we'll have to stop pretending that they are all things to all people. They are not. And we're all created equal but never treated equally. We'll have to embrace that one, too.
  10. First Born. That one stays in place because it is horrifying and eternally horrifying and horrifyingly eternal. 
So - there you go - pay attention. Be a good person. Live well. Prosper.