Friends Reunion . . .

Are you sitting down? Seriously. Are you? Is it a comfy chair? With arms? You're sitting right. Because your mother and I have something to tell you . . . there will never be a full Friends reunion. It is not going to happen. I know, I know. Shhhhhh. Weep gently and on my shoulder. Let me comfort you with a hand on the small of your back and a long, protracted "mmmmmm" groan. Better? Okay. Let's talk about it.

Here is the thing. Friends was never actually funny. It really wasn't. It is immediate nostalgia like with The Brady Bunch or Kanye West's last few "artistic" albums where pop culture just washes over us and we go "Oh, yeah, I LOVE _____." Let's be clear - those "friends" were six beautiful, photogenic people and the fake version of 20s/30s New Yorker they brewed seemed so idyllic (and still does). It was "appointment" television for years and years as the audience numbers (myself included - two of my favorite sitcom lines of all time are Ross to Rachel - "You are over me? When were you UNDER me?" and Rachel to Ross - "It is doesn't happen to all guys. It is not okay. And it IS a big deal." (Chandler comes from behind the door) - "I KNEW it!") prove out but look at how few awards the show, its writers, and its cast were received or even nominated for. Look at how infrequently we toss back to it with current shows or even out-of-context references.

It is over. Mercifully. All six of those friends have moved on to other things. Courtney Cox keeps making unwatchable TV shows for cable. Joey (whatever his real name is) has aged quite nicely and still shows up every now and again. Lisa Kudrow has defined herself in other ways. Chandler is an addict (recovering - day by day). Jennifer Aniston is still somehow a lovable underdog that makes movies we really, really want to watch (I want her and Kathryn Heigl to make a movie together so we can officially declare the multiplex deceased) and the guy that played Ross still has a monkey he occasionally plays with/spanks.

We won't get a reunion because pop culture reunions are f*cking horrible. Yes. They are. I'm still waiting for a good one (okay, okay - the reunion/live finale of the second season of The Apprentice was pretty sweet (I kid, I kid)) and I think the cast of Friends (at $1MM/episode each (or $22MM/year each for seven years)) don't need the money as bad as the kids from Saved By the Bell or even the cast of Cheers.

Give it up. Move on. Stop with the Internet rumors and the clamoring. It was your pandering that allowed horrible things like Arrested Development and my beloved The Killing (and even my equally beloved Damages) to live on long, long after they should.

We have new things to love and get involved with including a neat little pilot Amazon Prime dropped a few months ago called "Really" (watch, like, appeal, and maybe it will be green lit to serial status) called "Really" (actually watch the pilots for ALL the Amazon season three offerings - I liked them all, at least a little).