50 Things Every Woman Should Realize About Men . . .

One of my FAVORITE (all caps generally equals sarcasm, especially in this context) things about the proliferation of digital media and our click-crazy culture is the endless polls and surveys for "What _____ Are You?" (insert NPR Host, Care Bear, My Little Pony, Porn Genre, etc.). ANOTHER is the lists and the endless recaps and summaries of things that are constructed . . . if only to stir conversation and shares.

To that end . . . I give you this steaming pile of absurdity. Yes. THE (definitive and sarcastic) list of the 50 things all you uterusonauseses (not a real word) need to just realize (Accept? Know? Understand? See?) about us peniserians (not a real word).

Let's go point for point on the points where I disagree with the list or the elaboration of the point (and if you want to see the complete list and Chuck's super-comfortable-with-being-a-dude explanations, the link above will get you there) . . .

4) He Will Choose His Friends Over You
Both genders should be equally bemused by this point. We should ALL have healthy, scattered, and multi-tiered social lives. No basket should hold all the eggs. Ever. That goes for women or men.

8) You Can't Bombard Him the Second He Walks in the Door
Again. This one should be pretty mutual at the end of the day. But that I need a "beer and to stare at the TV for 30 minutes" makes me seem like a complete jerk. How about you give me four minutes to put my shoes away, maybe change my clothes, sort through the mail, and get a glass of water or diet soda? Then . . . SHOOT.

9) Withholding Sex is a Dangerous Game
If you are using sex as a bargaining chip, token, reward, or punishment in your relationship . . . get out NOW.

10) He's Jealous of Your Straight Guy Friends
No. He's not. He's jealous that SOME of your straight friends will hit on you, ogle you, and be inappropriate with you. Tell your secrets to whomever you want. As long as you are keeping him in the loop and are open and honest with him and don't allow your friends to do things you would not let his bosomy friend Amy do - life is good.

11) He Wants to Try Anal
Um NO! This is not even a homophobic thing but I can't figure out for the LIFE of me why anyone (regardless of gender or orientation) wants to do that. It is unhealthy, unsanitary, and dangerous. I'll say this - if he WANTS to try anal what he really wants to do is humiliate, dominate, and invade you. So - yeah - happy birthday.

13) You Should Learn to Play Pool
I can think of 8,764,293 things "hotter than a woman who can beat (me) in pool" without even trying. Seriously, fella?

15) He Notices When You Don't Wear the Jewelry He Bought You
Only that one ring he got you with the big diamond on it and the complimenting band you were given at the ceremony OR the stuff you swore you loved (versus telling him what you didn't like about it so he could get better with his next effort) and never wore again. I would say "He WILL notice when you DO wear the _____ (jewelry, shoes, lingerie, purse, perfume, etc.) he bought you" is way more accurate.

16) He Wants You to Need Him
No. No he does not. He wants to feel useful (to the author's point) and needed and respected. "Needy" is a trait no one ever wants to be on the other end of.

17) You've Got to Watch Your Weight
Are? You? F*cking? Serious? How about this - you (man or woman) can't be a hypocrite if their (man or woman) weight goes up. Also - just because you decide to lose weight doesn't mean your partner does, too. But be healthy. Respect your body. Stay sex-ready (ticker healthy vs. belly size).

22) He Wants You to Like What He Likes
He wants you to be open to the things that he likes. He hopes you will learn to accept and enjoy some of them. He wants to be open minded and embrace your stuff, too. I once had a friend who would change just about everything about her "likes" based on the men she was dating (like Julia Roberts and eggs in Runaway Bride (screw you - that is a GOOD movie)). She's still single. And "evolving".

23/24) He Doesn't Care About Your Outfit or Shoes
I'll go shopping with ANY woman, ANY time. Shop for purses, dresses, shoes, etc. I like the process and it helps me understand how various things look on various bodies, etc. I am a GREAT co-shopper. Also . . . I LOVE shoes (penny loafers, specifically).

34) Save the Big Piece of Chicken For Him
There are not enough keys on my keyboard to type enough words to respond this level of absurdity. Also - where are his house shoes, newspaper, and dinner in general? Get those shoes off and get in the kitchen, woman. Ugh.

42) (Read it For Yourself)
No. This is where the guy officially lost me. Between the statement and the elaboration. Is he serious at all?

43) He Will Never Stop Trying for a Threesome
I know a handful of men that will openly admit to wanting one of these to begin with (and my friends are pretty open, frank, and unconventional in their fleshy desires). They have maybe asked a partner or two. They've always accepted "no". I also know a few people that had (past tense) threesomes in old relationships (ended). I've never wanted one. Never will. I'm so ashamed of my body I can barely show it to one person at a time. And if a woman suggested one to me - I'd end it with her. I'm pretty keen on (serial) monogamy.

45) You Should Compliment Him More
I disagree with the premise that EITHER person in a couple need to dole out praise on a quantity basis. Let's focus on QUALITY. If I tell you every time I see you that you're beautiful or that I like your eyes or that your laugh makes me happy or you look good in that dress you will start, over time, to not put the weight in it. I'm not saying "One nice thing per year." I'm saying ONLY say it when you meant it - when it occurs to you to say it organically. And if you compliment me . . . I will make it uncomfortable for both of us so - just don't.

48/49) (Paraphrased - You're Not Each Others Parents)
If you need these rules - you should not be in a relationship AT ALL. You should be in counseling. Several hours a week and then straight home to your cats, action figures, etc.

50) He's Not As Complicated As You Are
Ha. My shrink PITIES (she won't say so but I know it is true) any woman that would even try to have a relationship with me. I'm a mental/emotional disaster. This one made me giggle. Also - did the author imply emotional complexity might dictate intelligence? Wow.

That's it. Nothing too serious. MOST of the list is fine (if not juvenile or simple in intent) but there are a few things about the stereotyping (on both sides of the gender coin) that I just think we need to get past. I wonder if Sheryl Sandberg has read this list?  Gwenyth Paltrow? My mother?