2/14/14

A Love Letter to No One In Particular . . .

Red roses . . . the least sincere thing about Valentine's Day.
Well. It is here. You're nearly eight hours (here in the central time zone) through Valentine's Day. That's 33.3% to you and me. Have you done your thing yet? No? GOOD FOR YOU! Yes? Well. GOOD FOR YOU!

IF you are still trying to figure it out I wanted to help out - you worry about the "gift". I'll write the note on the card for those red roses you will buy out of desperation. Sound good? It sure does.



FOR A NEW RELATIONSHIP YOU ARE HOPING WILL FLOURISH -

"I've enjoyed our limited time together. On this day for lovers I simply wanted to let you know that you make my heart beat a little faster."

FOR A NEW RELATIONSHIP YOU ARE IN WITH A PERSON WHO IS MAYBE NOT AS IN TO IT AS YOU ARE - 

"I hope it is not too soon or too forward for me to simply say 'I love you'. That was too soon wasn't it? I always do that. I'm sorry."

FOR A NEW RELATIONSHIP YOU WOULDN'T MISS IF IT CAME TO A CLOSE -

"So, yeah. Uh. Happy Valentine's Day. We are going to have sex later, right?"

FOR A RELATIONSHIP WHERE "HAPPY" LOVE IS ESTABLISHED -

"There are not enough hours in the day nor blooms on stems for me to really show you how special you are to me."

FOR A RELATIONSHIP WHERE FLOWERS ARE GENUINE AND THOUGHT OUT - 

(Come on, man. If you did this with a genuine intent - you already know what to write on the card.)

FOR A RELATIONSHIP WHERE ALIVE LOVE IS ESTABLISHED - 

"Every day with you is better than the day before. Especially the day when you make that lasagna I love so bad."

FOR A RELATIONSHIP WHERE POEMS ARE APPRECIATED - 

"(These) roses are red. Violets are blue. Boy oh boy, I sure love you." (Yes - this poem sucks because ALL poems suck.)

FOR A RELATIONSHIP THAT HAS SEEN BETTER DAYS -

"Here. Flowers. Go f*ck yourself."

FOR THE RELATIONSHIP WHERE THE WOMAN DOESN'T WANT THE FLOWERS (FOR REAL VS. JUST SAYING SHE DOESN'T) - 

(No flowers sent, no card needed.)

FOR A RELATIONSHIP THAT HAS SEEN HARD TIMES BUT IS GETTING BETTER -

"I didn't think we'd be celebrating today - what with my affair and the credit card debt you racked up without me knowing and with that Facebook incident (I am still sorry for not respecting your privacy) but. Hey. Here we are. And I love you."

FOR A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS COMFORTABLE - 

"I smelled what you put down this morning while getting ready for work. You need more fiber in your diet."

FOR A RELATIONSHIP THAT SEEMS ETERNAL - 

"Happy Friday. What? Today is also a holiday? Weird. I love you, Pet Name."

FOR A RELATIONSHIP WHERE SEX IS CURRENCY -

"You'd better find those handcuff keys because, either way, it's going down. Happy Valentine's Day."

FOR A RELATIONSHIP WHERE FLOWERS ARE EXPECTED - 

(Copy of receipt.)

THE NOTE I WOULD WRITE FOR MY VALENTINE - 

"So here are some flowers. You're welcome and I'm sorry. I'll wait for you to start season two of House of Cards but you better hurry it up, bring pizza and some Diet Mtn Dew when you arrive, and then zip your lips for the next thirteen hours. I love you, gurrrrl."



Happy Valentine's Day, people who partake. XOXOXOXO! (That's sarcasm.)