12/23/13

HELP! My Child Has a Vagina and I Do Not . . .

Dear Mommy Bloggers of the World -

What? You made your own baby food? WOW! You can get life-sustaining fluids to come out of your breasts? Geddoudahere that you sacrifice sleep, personal hygiene, and even your social life for the sake of your bundles of joy. You worry about your kids in the world you are raising them in? Egad! I'll bottom-line you here . . . we nit-wit dads refuse to believe that you just know how to raise a healthy, happy, well-adjusted human being that came out of your belly or came in to your life through your extra love to give. We are sooooooo grateful that you blog about how amazing you are so we have a place to binge on the scraps of your parenting feast.

THAT is sarcasm . . . Wanna' know what else I get sarcastic about? How TERRIFIC and insightful this list (and any other time you moms "help" us dads out) is - the name alone makes me punchy . . . "What Little Girls Wish Daddies Knew".

I'm not saying all you mommy bloggers are guilty of this but . . . are you fist f*cking me with this post?! This list is full of nothing more than rambling angst. There are parallels made that make no sense. There are conclusions drawn that have no basis in reality. There are gender stereotypes (for we fellas and you ladies) that you'd think such a fantastic mother (and "counselor") would not play in to. Am I right, other mommy bloggers?

Let's make a deal, ladies of the blogosphere . . . you stick to your own parenting experiences exclusively and share your arts and crafts photos, your helpful kitchen tips, your struggles to find work/life balance (something men are apparently exempt from) and all the other domestic stuff you blog on and on and on about as either a way to justify the resentment you carry toward your youth or the overly warm, and glowing reflection your childhood offers. Share these thoughts with just you and those who chose to read your blog (women or men, parents or not). NO need to offer your pearls to the general public.

Want to criticize your father or the father of your children for the way he handled/is handling his girls? Fair enough. Do that face to face. NO need for a blog post for the world. Want to help me (Sean C. Amore) be a better parent? Pound sand.

I am confused about exactly FIVE things as a parent . . .
  1. Styling my daughter's long, textured, curly hair that she is very particular about.
  2. Stepping out side of my wardrobe of khaki, navy blue, white, beige, grey, and brown to bright-brights and bold patters in my kid's closet.
  3. Getting my little sweets to love math, science and homework (three things I didn't love as a student) more and to slow down with and perfect her handwriting. 
  4. The doubt that her mother's and my divorce has put undue strain on her.
  5. Addressing and developing her multi-racial/ethnic sense of "self" as a 100% white person.
Know what the key takeaway is there? ONLY the first one has anything to do with gender (NO disrespect to the parents out there with long-haired boys (they are rare)). And while it CONFUSES me, I do just fine with it and I've never made it an issue or wedge between the kid and me. Now - if ever I needed help from you, Mommy Blogger . . .  I've been researching and pricing out flat irons lately and those confound me . . . got any tips? I digress.

The WORST part about this and every other time you pour the soul-warming honey of your wisdom on to us dads, mommy bloggers?! NONE of you ever give us tips on how to style our little women's hair (or whatever real problem we face)? Your blogs just MAKE FUN OF US FOR NOT KNOWING HOW TO STYLE OUR DAUGHTER'S HAIR while you clear your way to another post about how to "brilliantly" trick your kids in to eating their vegetables or how great your Elf on the Shelf makes you! 

Look, ladies, if my kid grows up with self-esteem issues it will be that she has too MUCH of it. I'll never be a sexist in front of her. I'll never be weirded out by her body or its changes or her menses (yes, I said menses) beyond the liability that I've never actually used a feminine hygiene product to give her context. I have and will play "dress up". I've worn make up and nail polish. I've had my balding hair in bows. I have and will do whatever my child wants to do and will initiate and participate in any conversation we want or need to collaboratively have until she tires of spending time with me. You'll never find a hole in my parenting confidence or performance that your blog can fill or help or supplement in any way. I don't know a father (regardless of number or gender of children they are co-raising) that has any issues you help with.

So while you sit atop Superior Parenting Mountain and pass down these rules for how I might/should act in front of my child please know that it is condescending and unneeded. NO dad/man reading a mommy blog does not already know the crap you are spewing (he's there, he's interested, he's ahead of the curve) and - frankly - this crap would fall upon deaf ears for any father who might actually want or need your drivel.

I've already got your rules covered and I hope and pray my own daughter grows up seeing stuff like this for what it is . . . dullardry (not a real word). 

Live your life. Be happy. Raise your kids. Keep them happy. Love your family and friends. Do what you can to ensure that they are happy. Read and like and forward and kiss-ass all over each others blogs. Hope it makes you happy. But STOP with the over-cooked madness where you think your own parenting translates to some sort of golden rule that all parents can benefit from, be in awe of, or learn from. There is a reason that kids get two parents . . . more than that is chaos. 

Sincerely - 

Parent with a Penis aka "Daddy" (which is a term I'm fine being used less and less frequently in my home)