7/12/13

The "Rules" of Swinging . . .

Yes. This is my child. Barefoot, inverted over
a rubber mat, dress and hair everywhere, and
really, truly happy to be that way.
No. No. No. Not THAT swinging - calm down you perverts. We haven't had a good key party in this country since the late 70s anyway. Now . . . where was I . . . oh yeah.

SWINGING.

I am a little light on funds this week (that's code for "no longer filing unemployment and not yet getting a paycheck") so the kiddo and I spent MUCH time on various playgrounds this weekend.

I gotta' say - I learned a ton about life in the year 2013 from my nearly seven year old on that playground.

No - she didn't take me out behind the monkey bars and drop actual life lessons but she did decide that I'm finally ready to understand how swinging is really done.


  1. No shoes. Ever. Everyone has equal toes but the soles of shoes are different so you can "cheat" with them on. (I don't know what or who you are cheating - she didn't either.)
  2. If you get to the swing before the other person and you're not competing - they have to push you at least ten good pushes. GOOD pushes. Take that garbage shoving to St. Elsewhere.
  3. You can stand or sit on the swing but never kneel. That is dangerous. Plain and simple.
  4. Once you get high enough that you can feel the chains on the swing "give" (I think she means the jerk of the chain as gravity and the momentum of the swing clash), you can start to lean backward. When you get high enough that you are consistently feeling the "give" - you can go fully upside down. Ideally you will pull your head up before you reach the bottom of the arc. Otherwise - scrunch your neck.
  5. Don't ever tell the swinger's mother that the swinger's father lets them swing fully upside down the entire arc of the swing even when their curls are dragging on the rubber mat they are so close. Or let her read this blog post. Or tell her what you read on this blog post.
  6. If someone gives you a push - you have to push them back when your turn is up.
  7. If you wear a dress on the swing the breeze can hit it just right so be sure there are no boys around. Seriously - check. If there are boys around - tuck your dress between your knees and put your ankles "criss-cross-applesauce" just in case.
  8. The older you are - the more time you get before your "turn" is up. This is only, apparently, true when the other kids you are sharing the swings with are younger than you.
  9. There is no such thing as a bad time on the swings nor has it ever been enough time on the swings.
  10. If you want to talk about serious things - you can sit on swings next to each other but you can not look over at each other and you can't stop swinging until both people agree the conversation is over.
  11. Singing makes swinging more fun. Especially if you are singing prayers from temple.
  12. If a boy shows up while you are singing in Hebrew. Stop. Immediately.
  13. Stand RIGHT THERE. Try to take a picture. I will kick the phone out of your hands and laugh. Hard.
  14. The best swings are the medium height ones - you can swing out the farthest without having to worry about hitting your head or feet when you come back to the ground.
  15. You're too heavy to push, Sean Daddy. Just pump your own legs.

There must be parallels to the real world and adulthood in there, right?