5/27/13

Soft Body . . .

When you move THAT slowly and have a body THAT soft
you have to carry around a hard shell. Literally.
I put my foot, ankle, shin/calf, knee, and a quarter of my thigh in my mouth last night. I didn't MEAN to do it. I didn't WANT to do it. My heart was in the right place and my most charming self thought he was next up to speak. This is what happened:

ME: "Eh, thanks. I'm fat again for sure but I'm at least back to monitoring what I put in my mouth and trying to walk and exercise a little bit and lose some weight again."

HER: "Well. It is working nicely. I need to get back at my weight again."


ME: "What are you talking about? I think you have lost weight since the last time I saw you and you have a very pleasant soft body. No one REALLY wants washboard abs and the 'gun show' in their sleeves anyway." (laughs at own jokes)

HER: "Soft body? Wow. Well. Good seeing you." (wheels shopping cart away post haste)

APPARENTLY "soft body" is offensive. I'd allow (happily) that you COULD take it to be offensive or take umbrage at it if you were very sensitive or looking for a reason to be sensitive and bothered. I'm not criticizing the woman for feeling this way. I guess I just need to tighten up how I talk to people.

I was not being creepy/lustful. I was not commenting on her "soft, ample curves, heaving bosom, and luscious apple booty" (and if I ever say that to a woman I'm asking her NOW to kick me in the junk - twice). I was not being critical by saying "Yeah. Get ye' to a YMCA or something." (and, again, ladies - foot to the junk with severe malice). I was not straight up lying to her "What are you talking about - I know baby oiled competitive body builders that would kill for that physique" (please do NOT kick me if I ever say that to you - you're too muscular, gurrrrl). I was just being casual in acknowledging her self criticism while downplaying it with a few jokes.

I'll say this - if you told me I had a soft body, I'll happily smile at you and realize you're being kind and gentle and charming. Euphemistic, I might argue. You tell me I'm soft bodied and I'll give you a hug. If only to feel your heaving bosom against mine and your apple booty below my creepy hands. I kid.