3/29/13

Odd Question . . .

Another submission from the "Reader Suggested Post" entries for your reading enjoyment/horror today. Here was the question . . .

"What is the weirdest thing you've ever been asked for?"

Thanks for asking, reader. I have several dozen answers to this question because "weird" is entirely subjective and even my own subjective definition of it has changed over the years. When I was four, someone asking me for their orange crayon was considered a near affront to my very person but, by 32 years on, I can discover my then-wife's lover's identity via Twitter and go "Eh, that's life." so I'll tell you the following (entirely true) things that struck me as odd in their moment:


  1. My college Priest left me a phone message in my dorm asking to borrow a pair of briefs (as in underpants) and a belt. In two, separate, doses.
  2. I was once asked to sell Girl Scout cookies. From the trunk of a car. And they were not "quite" Girl Scout cookies. For 50% of profit.
  3. Was asked what the proof of Bacardi 151 was. By a bartender, who was pouring drinks containing Bacardi 151. 
  4. Had a (presumed) homeless guy ask me to get him a cell phone with data plan on the streets of New York City.
  5. A former boss asked me to bring him chicken soup, at home, while he was sick. At my own expense. And then he complained over how long it took. And that I had no crackers (specifically oysters) when I arrived.
  6. Was asked if I had any Irish in me. At 2:30 AM. On March 18th. By a guy's wife who was thumbing at her husband as my option for "a little more in me" (the logical and horrifying punchline).
  7. I had a kid in high school ask me to take the SATs for him. 
  8. Was asked for directions, in French, on the streets of Paris. 
  9. $1,000 for a friend to get off his drug dealer/bookie's "kill" list (allegedly). 
  10. The aforementioned orange crayon. Seriously. The NERVE. (It's cool, I nearly pulled her pigtails off later that day).

And now I'll tell you THIS story which I am pretty sure, my life plotted on a graph and/or viewed from 30,000 feet above, is the most OBJECTIVELY weird thing I've ever been asked for.

I got a text message one night, in the early-Spring (probably right around this time) of 2002 (and this was before everyone just automatically texted all the time so it was memorable . . . and she would have had to hit the keys multiple times for each letter so it must have taken moments to compose) from a friend that said (paraphrased):

Will you knock me up? Just need a sample - you won't need to be a dad. Yes. I sent this to Sean Amore. Yes. I am serious.

I texted back:

Sorry. Am morally opposed to just fathering a kid w/out the responsibilities or rewards that would come from it. 

We never really hung out again. I called her and e-mailed several more times. Tried to maintain the friendship. My heart went out to her. She was a beautiful woman, a wonderful soul, and a great friend. And she wanted to share all that with a child. I presume she never answered my calls, texts, or e-mails after that because she was embarrassed or angry OR for fear that I would share "our" secret with the world (surprise, lady . . . 11 years and with anonymity later) and perhaps mock her for it but I've only ever told a few people - none of whom know her and I've never made fun.

It was a WEIRD request but it was not a crazy one. Nothing funny about it. No need to mock or dismiss. Certainly no reason to be flippant. And it bummed me out that our friendship had to end over it/my response. I made a mental note that night to never again just text back when someone digitally asked for me to put a baby up in them (and she DID mean the "old fashioned way" on that, right?). Coulda' lost my virginity that night. Coulda' been special. I digress.

And by the way, dear reader, feel free to TRY and top it. I'm hard to shock and horribly agreeable these days.