3/24/13

Non-Alcoholic Wines . . .

From the reader mail bag . . .

Sean -

Great blog. I obsess over your every post and hang on your every word. Your thoughts are progressive, endearing, and stimulating. I'd like to give you a baby. In the meantime, What your thoughts are on non-alcoholic wines? Let me know about the baby. I'll swing by a hospital and snag one up.

- Reader with Large Bazooms

Ah. Readers. You are certainly clever, smart, funny, and appreciated. But, uh, Bazooms . . . please don't steal other people's children (for me or anyone) and please know that no one is calling them "bazooms" these days. And by these days, I mean recorded time. In the meantime . . . let's talk fake booze.

Hate it. Plain. And. Simple. I don't get why it exists. Truly. I'm a firm believer that things should either be or not be. To take the booze out of booze is absurd. And I know what you're saying (Bazooms) - "I'm pregnant and still want to go out and have fun with my friends, husband, and his mistress." Two words - ice water. You put a baby inside you. You signed on for a life time of sacrifice. If you can't go nine months without feeling "cool" with a wine, martini, beer, or shot glass (and when DO we get alcohol free vodka on the market?) in your hand . . . you're going to be a miserable, resentful parent. I promise you.

And I hear you, Husband of Bazooms, you are a recovering alcoholic and you still want to socialize with family, friends, and your mistress without feeling like an outsider. No. No you do not. You want to flirt with disaster. You should swing by a gas station and get one of those one gallon things with the bendable straw and fill it with Diet Mountain Dew and then have them melt the seal on the lid closed so you look like you belong ANYWHERE but in a bar or around booze. Because you don't. One day at a time, fella. One day at a time.

And here's the thing . . . booze even in its purest and most intended form is nothing but empty calories and bad decision planters. No one has ever gotten drunk and solved a problem. No one has ever taken down a twelve pack or two and curing cancer. No romantic relationship has ever come out of a blackout a better thing/place/couple. There is nothing to miss in not drinking. I can no longer have modified sugars. I get the loss. I have the occasional sugar free confection. I am not a hypocrite . . . I am MAKING MY POINT . . . there is NOTHING for me in a sugar free cookie or scoop of ice cream except a sugar alcohol-induced squirt poop and/or self loathing.

I say we round up all the alcohol free beer and wine in the world and put it at Hartman Arena . . . better make it the AstroDome (yes, I know it is no longer there) and we send out a massive invite for EVERY Facebook user to come to the party. Open bar. Bowls of peanuts and popcorn and pretzels for all. 21 or over, please. And when they show up we let them all in. We lock the doors. We have a moderator step on stage with a microphone and we turn it in to an AA/preggo woman meeting and we group hug it out. Then all go get some sugar free Oreos and crap our collective pants.

Bazooms, you are an appreciated reader. But "do" or "do not" - there is no "try" in alcohol.