Monogrammed Towels . . .

I got some great post suggestions from some loyal readers. I'll sprinkle them over the next few weeks but wanted to tackle my favorite of the RANDOM suggestions first. Here was the assignment . . . Monogrammed Towels.

Let's be clear. I'm FANCY. I like FORMAL and DECORATIVE and color-coded and dantified way more than any other heterosexual man you've never met does. You should see how many pillows are on my bed as we communicate. And I miss Ballard Designs catalogs and Traditional Home magazine way more than I miss a lot of things about my old married life. I digress. So you're probably assuming I am PRO monogrammed towels. Nay. I say nayyyyyy to that presumption.

Let me clear my throat and be succinct (for once).

  1. If you  have your initials stitched in to your towels, you might very well be an assh*le. People are in your home. They know your name. Your spouse's name. Your shared (or hyphenated) last name. They know exactly who pays the water bill for the toilet they flush. You don't need to put your initials on your towels.
  2. There is very in the bathroom little LESS sanitary than a monogrammed towel? What do I mean? Simple. If you get labeled towels you should just got with FM for "Fecal Mist" because that is all that's on those towels. Because everyone that uses the bathroom is indirectly spraying it and no one really USES those "decorative" towels so they never end out on the floor and never get washed, dried, and rehung accordingly. I'll bet there are monogrammed towels in a home inside Wilson Estates right now that have hung exactly as they are for a decade. That's a LOT of FM to monogram itself into terry cloth.
  3. MOST people are "given" monogrammed towels. As a gift. OFTEN they are registered for. If you registered for towels with your initials permanently printed on them . . . WHY? Did you not have enough decency to admit you were out of NEED items and short on WANT items for your wedding/house warming/divorce party? And if you gave them . . . WHY? You were so out of actual ideas or knowledge of someone's wants/needs that you had to say "Well, I know their initials and can wait three or four more days for delivery of my gift . . . that will be used after people use the toilet, sink, or shower/tub in a bathroom." Get em' a toaster oven, y'animal! 
  4. And don't talk to me about those towels that look like penguins you wrap your (grand)kids in that have their full names stitched in to the "beak" of the terry clothed creature. The towels aren't that cute and the name on the beak is the opposite. How many other kids or people in the house do you have that would fight for ownership of the penguin? And why do you need to label your child anyway? I'll bet you don't have the fingerprints and/or a DNA sample of your kid on file for the horrifying "what ifs" but you'll be sure they are properly IDed immediately after bath time.
I can't even type a number five. My head is going to explode. Luckily I squirreled way a copy of House Beautiful the last time I dropped kiddo off at her mother's house. Serenity now!