Emoticons and Text Speak . . .

I have dragged my feet, grumbled, moaned, begged, criticized, publicly outed, and resented those of you that love to use emoticons and "text speak" (aka the absurd, and wildly inconsistent shortening of words to save on keystrokes and screen taps in our "too much of a hurry to actually write out a word" culture). NONE of this has even put a dent in the way I'm constantly bombarded with the crap. On that note - I give. I quit. Unkl (that's Uncle, for all you proud proliferators).

Hencetofore (nope, not a word - but neither is the crap you all type in your communications with me) I'll be using the following in our every exchange. Print and hold this post, I'm blazing a trail people. You can keep your LOL, BRB and ROFL (which none of you have EVER actually done anyway).

  • LMFAO - Lend me four apples or oranges
  • CH9L - Cats have nine lives (something I'd never say drawn out or in shorthand)
  • >:-( - Furrowed brows are a sign of true disappointment 
  • IHTGNYADMN - I have to go now, you are driving me nuts
  • NOFI - I definitely didn't think you'd be THAT offended when I insulted you
  • NSNAP - Sugar Free Apple Pie (I mean, duh!?!)
  • SFW - Sebastian Frederick Wallace (a made up person)
  • CATS - Certain as the sun (rising in the East)
  • :) - You're profoundly unfunny, so I'll rattle off two taps to pretend otherwise
  • LO1 - Take Kellogg to the "Hillside" exit. Head north and take a left hand turn on first street
  • TPFTW - A nude selfy of your chest would be a grand, well-received gesture
  • BAMF - Nightcrawler is teleporting in this Marvel comic I am reading
  • IRLNL - I really love natural light 
  • NSFW - I presume you or your colleagues are uptight and/or utter prudes
  • SB - Wait. Something that a person would do even if you didn't text them to "stand by." Are we trying to save time or creat work here, people?
  • IMTHRST - I could really use a beverage right now
  • 911 - Bring me some hummus. Please? Seriously. Hummus. Now. 
  • DH - Dustin Hoffman
  • ;) - One (or more) of us should be naked by now. 1-2-3, not it. Now TPFTW already
  • HRNE - It's 1978, I make adult films, and I'm in the mood for some sexual activity 

Text ya' later, fools.