2/14/13

HOLIDAY POEM - Valentine's Day . . .

Back in "the day" (1998 - 2003) when Facebook was just for college kids and Twitter was just for people far more intelligent and nerdy than you and me and MySpace was, well, a place to . . . I . . . uh . . . well. ANYWHO - people would still e-mail things. Crafty things. Funny things. Emotional things. HUGE video and audio attachments. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

I had my own little tradition - I'd type out a "holiday poem" for all the major holidays (including Arbor Day - don't hate the trees, hate ourselves for what we've done TO the trees).

These holiday poems need to make a comeback so - in the spirit with which they were initially intended (and with specific eyes on my friend Casey who is, as we speak, on bed rest and probably partially dilated with her first kid looking out on the Ralph Lauren sheets) I present to you the Valentine's Day 2013 Holiday Poem sung to (if you are so inclined) the tune of my personal favorite (sarcasm) Taylor Swift's best song ever (sarcasm) "We Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together."


I remember when Valentine defied Claudius - the first time
Saying this is it, I've had enough, 'cause like
Soldiers with wives and families will fight too.
Now you say you, needed roses and filled chocolates, what?
Then I come around again and say
Baby, I need you nearly naked and in this (SIDEBAR if you clicked on that - you're naughty) so go change
Trust me, I'm not texting these photos to anyone I don't really trust
I say, I eat hummus, we Cheez-It, you Tweet me, I DM you

Oooh we watched Nashville again last night
But Oo-OO-oo-oh-ewwww, this time I'm telling you, I'm de-friending you
The Pope is never ever ever celebrating Lent again

We are never ever ever cheering for Chris Brown again
You go talk to Frank Underwood talk
To Frank Ocean talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever sharing McFish Bites again

Like ever (they are tooooo delicious to share) ...

I'm really gonna miss wrestling in the Olympics
And me, falling for a letter from a Saudi Prince that wants to get money in to the US
And you, will hide away and play with an iPad App while Spotify places some indie rap that's much more premium than mine

Oooh you wanted to go see Identity Thief tonight
But Oooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you
We are snickering to the VPL in the promo for Oscar's Lounge together

We are never ever ever watching Storage Wars together
You go talk to Honey Boo Boo talk
To Joe Gorga talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back to being a mentally-healthy society

I used to think, that Twinkies, were forever ever ever
And I used to think Magic Hat No. 9 was forever
Huh, fat free milk calls me up and he's like, Nesquik powder
And I'm like, I'm just, I mean this poem is exhausting, you know
We are never hitting the Golden Corral chocolate fountain together, like ever

We are never ever ever wearing jeggings together
We are never ever ever wearing day-glo colors together
You go talk to Oscar de la Renta talk
To Oscar De La Hoya talk to me
But we are always always always shopping at JC Penney

We, oooh, oooh, not back together, we
Oh, getting back together

You are loved by spouse, colleagues
And by friends and fam-a-leeeeee
But we are never ever ever ever exchanging Valentines

I love you all (except you, weirdos . . . and one of you should send me some pics in that sexy little number I linked to above (I nominate Walker Schwartz)).