1/17/13

Cheese . . .

I want to talk to you about something near, dear, and (if I'm being honest) likely to STOP MY heart . . . cheese. Cheese, glorious cheese.

My best friend from college had a theory - there is NO FOOD in the world that can't be improved with the addition of butter, whipped cream, or cheese. He clearly - to that point in life - had not had nearly enough Asian food and he clearly did not live a Kashrut life. But BOY did he ever have a point among those of us that grew up in the good ol' USA as Christians in Appalachia. And all you lactose intolerants can take your bottle of whine elsewhere (smile).

I'll save the many, many uses for butter and whipped cream for later posts (giggidy) but - for now - let's skip straight to my favorite . . . CHEESE!

Let me get a few things out of the way here, food snobs . . . I KNOW that American Cheese is not really "cheese" at all - but it is still delicious. I get that Velveeta and other shelf-stable awesomeness like jarred queso and canned cheese is not really "cheese" - but YOU know that they are all still delicious. I won't even bother to try to and defend the imitation stuff . . . I'm not going to win any hearts there - where I'll put my energy is in the cold, shrink wrapped, greatness that is the CHEESE CASE!

You've got your soft cheeses . . . Your medium cheeses . . . Your hard cheeses . . . Your smelly cheeses . . .  Your spiced and fruited and infused cheeses . . . Your smoked cheeses . . . Your "baby" cheeses . . . your sliced cheeses . . . Your brick/block cheeses . . . Your wedge cheeses . . . Your imported and domestic cheeses . . . Your shredded and sticked cheeses . . . Your - holy crap we should all just meet up and gnaw on a pounda'cheese each and talk this out.

Bottom line - you aren't going to find me a better way to destroy a diet than cheese. And you're not going to find a better food that can stand alone OR be added to a myriad of recipes and dishes to make them better. I'll lay my whole argument here . . . the greatest sandwich you will ever eat. Ready?
  • Go to a bakery. Get their crustiest and meanest-looking baguette and/or pretzel/crusty roll. You want something bland with no taste and all texture. Crusty. It has gotta' be the type that flakes when you tear/bite it.
  • Get some of the sharpest cheddar you can find. Sliced razor thin (I've never understand "razor thin" - by the way, someone explain it to me). 
  • Get a RED onion. Slice it up. Pop the rings out of each other. Cut them all in half so you have smiley/frowny faces when you're done.
  • Slice the bread. Put about two ounces of cheese and a small handful of onions on the cheese.
  • Close the sandwich and eat (no meat, no condiments, no other flavors or ingredients).
  • Repeat as necessary. 
IF you are not completely satisfied and converted to my Church of Cheese by the last bite - let me know and I'll pretend to issue you a full refund and I'll insincerely apologize for sending you astray. But make no mistake - you just took bread and red onion and made it DELICIOUS by simply adding some cheese. You can't do that with peanut butter, roast beef, tuna fish, or Peeps.

For the rest of you (that GET IT) - let's all head to the cheese counter at Dillon's Marketplace (on the east side, don't be silly) and/or Ziggy's (and one of you digital marketing types should help them get a website that is a) findable and b) doesn't stink on ice) for a Cheese Johnson (each). STAT!