1/30/13

Band Names . . .

I often tell people, genuinely, that if I had not chosen to be a professional communicator, I'd be doing one of three things . . .

Funeral Director
University Employee (Admissions or Academic)
Professional Xylophone Player

All three professions are actually very similar (and not that different from my actual racket) in that they are all aimed at being the best I can be in the context of a larger community and trying to improve other people and their days/lives in one way or another. It is cheesy and melodramatic as all "get out" but it is true.

Simple fact though: only ONE of these professions would allow me a chance to realize my ULTIMATE dream in life (Funeral homes have horribly boring names and Colleges/Universities are generally named for geography, founder, subject matter, or a hybrid of the above) . . . to co-op the greatest band name ever and then make it a household name. To that end - I present to you my current (the list is regularly updated) list of the 20 names I'd WANT to put on my band with some context as to what we'd play and just how AWESOME we'd be (the number in parenthesis is a ranking on a scale of 0 - 10 groupies - there WOULD be groupies . . . they DIG a dude who can strike a bar with a mallet).

  1. Diet Sprite and Grape Syrup (4) - Lounge act. Mainly covers of mid-90s pop-rap.
  2. Spin-Gauz-E (2) - Dueling DJs (like at a piano bar) for the 12 - 4 AM set.
  3. Khaki (8) - Vampire Weekend meets One Direction only older. Way older. 
  4. Maudlin Mark and the Woe-Is-Mes (2) - Like Nirvana. Only acoustic and without the whiny,  suicidal front man and jovial drummer-turned-front-man. But with the cardigan sweaters. Only more of them.
  5. GENIUS (5) - Emo-pop with an app for concert goers to "hang out" and "Live Tweet" the show as though they were all in the same room. Which they would be. But they wouldn't know because they'd be on their phones and tablets the entire time. Hashtag - #Genius.
  6. Fartbreeze (1) - Grungy takes on classic pop ballads where the word "love" is changed to "hate" unless the lead singer (himself twice divorced and balding) met someone nice on POF.com that day.
  7. PTI (6) - Middle-aged bald men with deep knowledge of sports and an affinity for pop culture share a stage and just talk over a bed of soft, instrumental, smooth jazz.
  8. Diet Pepsi is for Quitters (9) - This would be a quick rise to fame and a short-lived-tenure at the top (patent lawyers being as they are) but the four crooners, known for their a cappella ballads and earnest eye contact with doe-eyed middle-aged divorcees with low self esteem and ample bosoms (hence the high groupie count).
  9. Zippy the Wonder Perv (5) - Just a guy with a microphone, a karaoke set up, and an energy drink buzz trying, very hard, to make people dance. Again tonight. For the 19th consecutive open mic night at a local coffee shop. 
  10. Trade Show Trinkets (7) - A collective of chamber musicians who want to put some old spin on new hits. Very smart, pinkies out people can suddenly appreciate Katy Perry's "Firework." 
  11. Enn Oh Pea (5) - A girl band collective (I'd be one of several male musicians that never had any lighting on us) that writes songs, in the spirit of P*ssy Riot, that aim to strike fear in the hearts of the establishment and loathing in the minds of those who hear them live. But - here's the trick - they are all stunningly beautiful. Like the Spice Girls. Only at healthier weights.
  12. Shoots and Laughers (2) - A hip hop epiphany in the spirit of an Odd Future and De La Soul love child with a focus on white kids in the suburbs (like ANY good hip hop collective has) and a merchandise deal with an athletic apparel company to buoy their videos and tour stage. 
  13. Uglies Bumped (9) - A band with a perpetually rotating host of lead singers who all had (and sing only) one BIG hit. Rumor has it Stevie B. is in rehearsals with Uglies Bumped as. we. type. Bring a spare pair of underpants to toss, ladies.
  14. Quintiple Double (1) - Can you keep a secret? It is really just Del Amitri with a different moniker. Don't tell anyone (and - to be clear - NO ONE will just notice on their own). 
  15. Kevin Hallacy (6) - A tribute band but not in the spirit of covers and adoration of other musicians. Nope. A constant tribute to my favorite workplace Mijo of all time. Of. All. Time. Groupie points are high because every woman that meets Kev-o seems to like him best. Immediately.
  16. Arms Wide Open (10) - Hair band. With genuine emotion and deep, deep lyrics. The perfect storm of music and showmanship. We'd never sell a single album but we would be FANTASTIC in concert. And the Creed reference is totally intentional.
  17. J.J. and the Abraham Lincolns (3) - Like Sufjan Stevens without the appreciation of history and music and history. Just a lot of thinker's stuff and that is fantastic listening but it's not going to help with the ladies. Keep me honest, Sufjan.
  18. Nice Setta' Lungs (8) - Euphemism. Straight euphemism. And the music and showmanship back it up. This is fantastic, angsty stuff. Think of Prince in his hey day. And recently again, oddly.
  19. Amy Kremer Express (5) - The de facto "head" of the Tea Party joins us on stage to sing a wide range of sylish songs about her puppies, her love of Chanel pearls, designer handbags, and pantsuits, and her vision for the future of America. (Sidebar - No judgement implied here, the woman OWNS her political mindset and I have to respect that).
  20. Arts-n-Crafts (0) - Think of They Might Be Giants and Lisa Loeb and all those other former legit magicians that decided they wanted to make music for the KIDS of the people that used to like them. Blatant money grab and crap music. No one hooks up with the band they brought their children to see.