11/14/12

'Til Fortune Cookie Does Us Part . . .

I've recently been talking with a variety of people about sex - specifically mindsets around it and how "partnering" or "relationships" and "fidelity" do and do not inform sexual decisions. I'd like to make a disclosure that shocked me and may shock you.

I, Sean Amore, view sex with the same wide-eyed, cautious, life-changing perspective of the stereo-typed 14-year-old girl who is moderately attractive, has healthy self esteem, two parents who are appropriately involved in her life and set an example for a healthy relationship, and has some Jesus in her heart.

I'll give you a minute to absorb . . . We good? Me too. Let's continue.The real hang up I have is how we handle partners in sexual affairs. It is 2012 (I can SEE 2013 from here) and I'm 36 so I realize my mindset is a little antiquated but hear me out and make your own decisions. I'll allow it.

HERE is my view on sex - specifically sexual fidelity - it is the all-you-can-eat strip mall buffet. Let me clarify:

You can eat anywhere. You could go to the grocery store, hit a drive-thru, mooch off a buddy, hit a QSR, put on a sports coat and steak house it, go to the soup kitchen - whatever you like. But when you PICK a place and ORDER the food . . . that it is. You've made your decision. You have a meal (for those I've already lost - the "meal" is a "partner"). You may LOVE this meal. It may well blow. Your. Mind. You may start eating 3 meals a day and you may order the same dish (sexual positions is a future blog post that will give you reason to worry). You might hate it and swear that place off maybe even tell your friends and loved ones to never eat there (cyber-bullying is a future blog post as well). Or you may decide "eh" - put it in the rotation of meals and go there once in a while. You get one "thing" to eat and when it is done, so are you.

Consider the buffet. NOT the same thing as any other restaurant or food option. The buffet is a COMMITMENT. It is a RELATIONSHIP. You walk in the door and present yourself. You're one adult. You pay the flat fee. It is non-negotiable. You are lead to a seat, asked if you want a drink (a kind, generous lover indeed). Once you dispense pleasantries you grab a plate and get to work. And work you shall. You can take your time. Sample. Load it up. Combine the dressing from the salad bar with the chicken nuggets from the "American" section. Enjoy those donutty things with the sweet and sour sauce on them. Go crazy. And here's the best part - stay as long as you like. Eat. Rest. Chat. Surf the Internet. Visit the gift shop. As long as you are happy - they are happy.

Unhappy with the food? Temperature of the jello have you worried about sanitation? Feeling overwhelmed? Afraid to go too nuts and blow your diet? Go in with the best of intentions and putter out after a few twists of the ol' soft-serve machine? Don't like the synthesized pop music? Don't give it a second though. You are free to leave at any time. Napkin down. Tip on table (not a euphemism). Pants adjusted. Doors exited. Peace out.

You can stay 2 minutes or until close. But you have to make do with what they are serving. You can't leave and return. You can't bring in other food or drink. You can't invite other people to join you without an additional charge. There are no "quick leg stretch and I'll be backs" in the buffet world. You can't run an errand or two and come right back. You can't run to Cold Stone Creamery and then return for some more soup. You are IN and then you are OUT. You have committed. You have made a mutual (the proprietor welcomed you) decision to share some time. Few to no buffets have any "rules" posted. There are no contracts to be signed. No one ever taps their server on the elbow to clarify the policies of the house. Nope. It is all implied and understood and agreed upon without a word being spoken on the specifics.

You go for the buffet (have sex) you are ONLY having the buffet until you close out the tab/the kitchen closes and you move on down the strip mall. Everyone knows that you've made a choice and commitment. There is trust in that. There is a mutual comfort in that. There is something special in that. There is a Mongolian barbecue in that (ideally).