11/30/12

Things I Would Do . . .

I am a man of simple pleasures. Reading to my daughter, holding hands and being close with someone I truly enjoy being with, a nice pair of penny loafers over argyle socks, hummus for breakfast, some peace and quiet, a good book, etc. That being said - I'm often asked (and this has never actually happened, LITERALLY) what sort of things I would LIKE to do. What GOALS or DREAMS or WANTS or BUCKET LIST items I have. Well for all those who have (never) asked (or even pondered) - here you go. Things I WOULD do. If I (w/c/sh)ould.

  • Be skinny. I mean truly skinny. Inseam number higher than my waist, shirt sizes that start with S. Ribs sticking out and the ability to go shirtless (even the ones that start with an S) in public.
  • Love and be loved. It's the greatest of the simple pleasures.
  • Be humble. Hey. This is all just fantasy anyway so don't pretend like you're better than me. 
  • Jump out of an airplane. And make a collect call on the way back to earth. From a land line. A "party" line at that.
  • Spend an hour with Tony Hawk and Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day and make sure they both truly understand they are in their 40s. It's time to cut the shit.
  • Could HAVE. Would HAVE. Should HAVE. Not of. None of those are of. Stop it. All of you.  
  • Dance. Truly have rhythm and the ability to use it. I currently look like I need a wallet jammed in my gullet to prevent tongue swallowing every time I try. And it stinks. And hurts a little. Deep inside. 
  • Prevent Destiny's Child from ever forming thereby proactively preventing the world from Beyonce and all the hurt and harm she's done.
  • Ask more questions about the things I never understood. Like science. And math beyond basic algebra. And poetry. Okay, I'm kidding. Screw poetry. 
  • Take a million dollars, in pennies, and drop them off the Empire State Building, one at a time, until I've actually pennied my way to the gates of Hell. 
  • Make Skee-lo a little bit taller, a baller, and give him a girl so he could call her. From a land line. A "party" line at that.
  • Find a cat video on the Internet cute, funny, charming, or otherwise worth watching. I want to. Really.
  • Slam dunk a basketball. Chicks dig that. A ton. They do, right? Yeah. They do. 
  • Be able to listen people start a statement with "Today, on Fox News, I heard . . . " and not stop listening by the implied ellipses.
  • Get the McB.L.T. back on the menu at McDonald's. And keep it there. They HAVE the ingredients. They just need the packaging to keep the hot side hot and the cool side cool. They can do that. We put a rover on Mars, for the love of all that is delicious. See also the Asian McNugget sauces. 
  • Understand "Dirty South" rap/hip hop/style.
  • Have the cliche "take a (bodily function)" to me. And/or go back and re-establish the vernacular as "LEAVE a (bodily function)."
  • Wake up in the morning remembering the previous slumber's dreams more consistently. I'm 36 1/2. I can probably count the dreams I "remember" on three hands. Or two hands and a foot, as it were.
  • Abuse an illegal substance. Just one more time. I'd appreciate the finality of it. 
  • Cure cancer. There. I'm charitable. Woooo-who! Go f*ck yourselves.
  • Survive on bread alone. 
  • Hang out with Kenny Loggins so I can reassure him that haters be hatin', ballers be ballin', and Pooh Corner is a place worth returning to.
  • Tell the 16 year old me that it's all going to be okay. I'm kidding. The 2 year old me knew that. These last 34 years have just been reassurance and realization.
  • Get John Candy back. For just one more movie. Okay - two. With a third picture option based on box office and DVD sales. 
  • Solve a Rubik's cube. In 1986. Before you could watch how on YouTube.
  • Teach the world to sign in perfect harmony.
  • Learn Hebrew.
  • Seduce and have rough sex with a lion. I mean, they are the "king of the jungle" (I'd do it with a female, relax) despite NOT EVEN LIVING IN THE JUNGLE. That's power over the powerful.